TEN HUSBANDS by Connie Jameson (excerpt from "Dating 'n Mating")

My husband, the First

Oh, he was the worst

 

Dashing, dapper, a real dandy

To all the girls, he was eye candy

 

I didn’t worry. Everything was fine

‘Cause Mr. Handsome—he was all mine

Started to stray, started to roam

That’s when he lost his happy home

Told that Rover

“So long—it’s over!”

***

Husband Number Two

Oh, Boo Hoo! Boo Hoo!

You’d think I would have learned

But, no—again, I got burned

Fell for the sexy smile, the bedroom eyes

Oh, how they could hypnotize!

Yes, I came under his Magic Spell

As did many other girls as well

So, Mr. Romeo—farewell, farewell!

***                                                                   

For choice of Husband Number Three

You’d be so very proud of me

No longer would I emphasize looks

I’d choose a man who was into—books!

Quiet evenings sharing a novel or two

You read to me, I’ll read to you

Discussions of authors and poets—Oh, boy!

I’d know them all—Shakespeare, Tolstoy . . .

Books large and books small

Together, we’d devour them all

But I tired of Book Guy and sent him out the door

So I could start searching for . . . Husband Number Four 

***

Because Mr. Bookworm became such a bore

I had a new plan for Husband Number Four

I’d find an athlete, an outdoors man

Yes, he would be a #1 Sports Fan

The problem that I didn’t see

Was that he liked his sports, but—on TV!

It felt like I wasn’t even there

As buddies filled every couch and chair

Wait it out, be patient, I tried to think

As I brought them all more beer to drink

Surely this would have to end

TV Remote was now his best friend

But, no, there are sports in every season

So that, my friends, became the reason

I said, “Bye, Bye,

Mr. Sports Guy!”

***

Land Sakes, Alive!

I couldn’t believe it—Husband Number Five!

This new husband, a true athlete, hiker, runner

After TV Sports Guy, I knew he’d be much funner

Together we’d hike and trek over trail, valley, and hill

Of good ol’ outdoor exercise, we would have our fill

Oh, I had my fill—of blisters, pains, and aches

“Stop, please stop. Stop for goodness sakes!”

He couldn’t stop. He was a hiking fanatic

So now I knew that I would have to pick

My mind said, “Yes,” but my body said, “No!”

So, sadly, Mr. Athlete would have to go

  ***

I really hoped that Number Six

Would be my husband-problem fix

Of course, he should

He was just plain—good

So nice, polite, attentive, just swell

And made my life a living hell

Why? Too agreeable, too pampering—Boring!

He was vanilla, milquetoast, a big Nothing!

Like one of those Bobble Heads—up, down, up, down

Always a painted-on smile—never, ever a frown

I grew tired, couldn’t take it anymore

So, I shoved Sweet Guy out the door

***

With Husband Number Seven

I envisioned Culinary Heaven

Could it possibly be?

He wants to cook for me!

He was not exactly fit as a fiddle

Sporting extra inches around the middle

But, hey, that was okay

He’d be making gourmet meals all day

Turns out he didn’t like to cook—just bake

Every sort of cookie, pie, and cake

Problem was he spent all day

Worrying about his dumb souffle!

Told him, “One more petit four

And I am out the door”

My cute little Dough Boy in his white baker’s hat

Can you believe it?  He did just that

Baked more biscuits, fritters, and muffins

So I left him in the kitchen lovin’ his oven

***

Swept off my feet by Husband Number Eight

I knew he would be absolutely great

Plus, he’d help rid me of what I’d found

Courtesy of Baker Man—extra pounds!

Yes, I’d shed those extra pounds and more

As Dance Instructor twirled me round the floor

It’d be Cha, Cha, Cha and Two to Tango

Do a little tap dance and on to the Fandango

Ballroom floor, what a place to exercise

Then cool down with a waltz and gaze into his eyes

Head on his shoulder, sweet nothings in my ear

But this can’t last forever, I started to fear

I was right

Because one night

After private lessons, when he’d glide, swirl, and twirl

His prize pupil, beautiful ballerina (former can-can girl!)

He didn’t return to me

So, our dance is over, as you can see

***

Husband Number Nine

Another Einstein

So full of wisdom and knowledge

Esteemed professor at the college

His specialty—physics, of the quantum kind

The smartest brainiac one could find

Certificates and PhDs filled every wall and shelf

I hoped I’d gain a little of that smartness for myself

My professor’s intellect was really quite superb

I was so impressed, hung on his every word

A walking encyclopedia was what he seemed to me

So, what I learned next, I just couldn’t believe

Shocking—a man with so much knowledge to impart

Would be educating some college co-ed (the little tart!)

Well, I sent that Professor out the door

Arms stacked full of books, degrees, and more

  ***

Oh, no!  Husband Number Ten!

What a tangled web I’m in!

This scary trend

Must surely end

Here and now

Just tell me how

Should I quit cold turkey, as they say

Just give up and move away?

Away? Away to where?

I find guys everywhere

Soon people will say, “Look, look”

She’s in that Guinness Records book

I’ll find a way—can’t take this anymore

Goodbye, farewell. I’m heading out the door

The door! Oh, look who just walked in

That’s him! That’s him! The Perfect 10!!