HOW TO COOK A TURKEY by Howard Feigenbaum

Go to the butcher

Select a bird fresh, not frozen

Carry it home while whistling a merry tune

Unwrap the bird and place it on the kitchen counter

Now, singing a merry tune,

Rub the bird with salt and garlic

And ask, “How ya doin’ there?”

Then answer the question with “You are lookin’ just fine.”

Massage the bird gently for ten minutes with olive oil

While whispering softly, “Relax, relax, relax.”

Heat the oven to three hundred fifty degrees

While continuing to rub the turkey as you might like for yourself

Now lift the bird and place it in a baking pan

With a happy lilt in your voice, bend over close to the bird

And say, “You’re taking a trip to Florida.”

Slip the baking pan in the oven

When the bird is brown and done,

Remove it from the heat

You will have the most tender and tasty turkey

You have ever eaten